It's Me, Not Mrs. P

I am two weeks into my six week long term sub job.
I'm glad I didn't write a post Wednesday night. It was a low point. Not a, "Man, I'm tired today," or "I wish that lesson had gone better," kind of low. It was the sucky, "I'm a failure, all my students are failing because of it, and they will always hate me", kind of evening. (Have I mentioned that dramatic pessimism is one of my strong suits?)

And here's the problem (or, at least one of them), these students are accustomed to an amazing, out of this world, always on top of her game teacher. I've been reminded many times. Mrs. P doesn't have to spend a moment to find papers. Mrs. P lets best friends sit together and allows talking throughout study-hall. Mrs. P doesn't give Friday homework. Mrs. P explains things better. Mrs. P is the kind of teacher I aspire to be...  and I don't mean to make excuses, but Mrs. P also has been teaching for more than four months.

I'm getting better though (gradually). We've done a lot of reteaching since Wednesday night. During each subsequent prep, study hall, and afternoon, I've met one-on-one with students to gradually build success, retake assessments, and make up late work. Every little success now feels like cause for celebration. And, even if you don't want to read them, I'm going to list them. Because today is not Wednesday night. Tonight I get to be a little proud.

Thursday, a student hugged me in the hallway for no reason. Three students had "aha" moments during our morning meeting and aced their retake. Thirteen students spent lunch in my room making up work without reminders. My mega differentiated lesson worked! I started each class with a deceivingly confident "game face". 

Today, a student told me that he liked having me as a teacher. In three different classes, students started taking up the role of asking their peers to stop talking and pay attention. A student from my morning math intervention group shot his hand up in class to solve a fraction division problem. I totally changed my atmospheric layers plan in two minutes because of technical problems, and it worked better than the intended lesson. My science kids rocked their informal assessment. We laughed through writing, learned about Djibouti's Lake Assal, countered sexist assumptions, and  bonded over Men at Work lyrics. I spent our assembly relaxing and cheering with a student who frequently is hostile in my room. As many of my students walked past my room on their way out of the building, they smiled and wished me a good weekend. Today, that's all it took. 

So, if I'm turning down every social invitation you send my way, please know that it isn't because I don't want to join you. It's because I'm trying, in spite of my buckets of flaws, to get one step closer to the excellence of Mrs. P. These kids are AMAZING and deserve to finish their middle school career with all the support and help I can muster. They deserve my 110%.